So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
