Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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