My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
