I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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