Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
