dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Woke up backwards on a recliner
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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