You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
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