I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
