You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
