I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
