So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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