it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
