I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm bleeding and have questions
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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