So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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