I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
All the doctor said was why
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
