She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
