Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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