I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
