I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
