ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
