Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
