I have demons in me.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
What a dumb baby whore.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Randomize
