chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
There was a lot of him and a little penis
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
