there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
