I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
