Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
