you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
