I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
