I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
