if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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