My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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