I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Randomize
