i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
