Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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