I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
