Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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