Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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