Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Randomize
