yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
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