It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
