My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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