There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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