Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
