Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
