you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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