you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
