I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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