Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just gargled with NyQuil
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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