Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
