recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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