dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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