but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
