final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
