so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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