i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
How does one acquire holy water?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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